My transition: 3 years on.

posted on Invalid DateTime

🥚 The Discord egg

I first came out as trans to myself in 2021. I remember joining a queer Discord server as a freshly out bi dude, finding my feet in the queer community, and longingly looking at the gender channels... The gender fuckery had been going on for years before this though. It was only at this point I felt able to even think about maybe not being a cis dude. I remember asking in that trans channel in this server: "Do I have to be trans to use they/them pronouns? I feel like I'd be intruding on trans spaces if I'm not identifying as trans. I feel like I really need to try they/them pronouns though.".

It was then, when my now friend said: "To be honest, questioning your gender at all, in any capacity is a good reason to explore other pronouns", while someone else said: "You don't need a gender license, just try it and see how it feels!". It was that day I changed my pronouns in the roles. The rest was history. It still took well over a year before I felt even remotely comfortable saying that I was trans though.

👚 Euphoria hoodie

Fast forward a year, near toward the end of my first year at PA school. I remember I pensively ordered this huge pink super soft and insanely fluffy hoodie online, along with some pale blue jeans. For someone who dressed in the most grey and dark unnoticeable clothing possible before, this felt like a huge step for me. Even just trying it on in the safety of my own dorm room was terrifying. But I did it. When I did? I looked in the mirror: that was the first time I ever felt gender euphoria. Right there and then, at 10PM on a Friday night, I went to the library to meet up with my genderqueer friend and chill. She was thrilled for me and loved how I looked. This was the first time I was truly living even part of my truth around other people, and letting them see me too.

Many more experiences like that, tiny little wins and steps forward were had, until I eventually found my feet and comfort in calling myself trans and non binary, and even advocating for they/them pronouns. But I remember being stuck in spirals of "am I trans enough? I don't feel like I want to be overtly femme, but the box of being a cis guy feels like a prison." and "what if I'm not trans and just hate masculinity?". That second one was the biggest problem: my shitty relationship with my dad had me hating masculinity, and in truth? It put me in a box. After a lot of processing, I managed to repair my relationship to masculinity. But beneath all of that? I still felt like I needed to escape being a cis dude. It still felt wrong. I'm so glad I did this step, particularly because it helped me a lot with not presenting femme. It helped me make sense and find peace in being a butch transfemme person.

💉 HRT

By this point I began to realise that I needed to at least explore the experience of being on hormones. In September 2023, I saw my psychiatrist who diagnosed me with Gender Dysphoria and referred me to an endocrinologist to discuss starting HRT. By December, I had my first box of HRT in my hands. 2 days before Christmas.

I remember the morning I received the package. I was so excited, but also terrified. Was a really sure? Was I sure enough to start hormones? This would change my very perception of reality! I'd be transported to another dimension the moment this patch hits my thigh! Am I sure I want to take the medical route? What if this is a mistake? What if my emotions are too much to handle?! Oh god! After an hour and a half deliberating over putting them on, I enlisted the help of my mom, who had been on patches for years to help me out. She showed me how and the distraction of her showing me how to apply them got me out my head.

And then? This subtle calm washed over me. All those anxieties just melted away. I felt at peace, happy to have tried and ready to see where this journey would take me. My world didn't cave in, it opened up. The worries I had were just that: worries. I knew that, at any moment I could come off the HRT if I felt it wasnt suiting me, and it gave me the room to explore my options. Being on HRT just showed me that this was the right way for me. I felt much closer to the right direction in my gender journey than before.

But I think there were still anxieties about my gender identity. Being a butch transfemme is... Hard. Being trans is hard by default, femme or butch. But I think most people, cis and trans (tho to a lesser extent with other trans folk tbf), kinda expect you to want to be more femme. And in truth? I get a lot of gender inspo from my butch lesbian siblings. Its an aesthetic and culture that very much resonates with me, one that feels like the missing puzzle piece in my gender puzzle. I think in a lot of ways I'm still processing being a butch transfemme. Because the line between boymoding and actually presenting how I want to is a difficult line to walk, and so are dysphoria triggers too. The very way I present is rife for getting actively misgendered by other people.

I think this is where I look forward to more physical changes. Despite having been on HRT for nearly 2 years now, I unfortunately spent close to a year being under-dosed. So a lot of the more minor effects I was experiencing in my first year, remained just that: minor. There wasn't really any progression at all until this year. I really needed to be on 200mcg patches. I had a tiny bit of boob growth in my first year, but nothing much. This year though? YES! Finally something visible! They're still tiny, but I'm working on upping my calories to support their growth. But they're there and giving shape!!

The more I get these changes of fat redistribution, boob growth, the softer skin, rounder face and everything else? The more euphoria I get from my butch lesbian outfits, the less I feel the dysphoria of feeling like a predatory guy imposing as a butch lesbian. Having that shape to my chest, filling out my clothing in a different way is really going a long way for my presentation.

🌍 The world is on fire.

And don't get me wrong, I'm getting SO much euphoria from all of this. And building all the connections I have with my partner, best friends and everything else, all being so supportive and enriching for my journey, it's all been truly transformative for me. My life is fundamentally better for having transitioned, and I wish I could have gone back to me 5 years ago, give her a hug and tell her that it would be OK. That, its going to take me a while to figure it out and understand my ✨ gender feels ✨ but that: it's attainable.

But I'd also be lying if I said this wasnt the most scared I've ever felt living as a trans person. Which, not going to lie, kinda sucks. When I came out and started getting into my stride as a trans person, I felt the fear of presenting in public slowly melting away... Until the last year or so, its now much more present, though for different reasons. Before? I was scared about what other peoples thoughts on my gender and their perception of me would reflect on the reality of my gender. Now? I couldn't give a shit. I know I'm a butch transfemme enby girlthing. Change my fucking mind, bitch. I fought like hell for this gender and body. But I think the threat of violence feels so close and eminent.

I have a weird relationship with this feeling though. As time has gone on, I've grown to invite it in, to let it guide me. It sucks I have to think this way as I navigate the world, but its also there for good reasons. And I feel like I'm now at a point where i can accept the fear and risk of harassment and assault, while also using my anxiety of those things to help keep me safe.

It's a lot of work though. I feel like we're losing rights every day. On TERF island, it very much feels like almost every single politician is working against our right to exist, our right to public life. I don't feel comfortable in ANY gendered spaces at this point. I feel anxiety even walking across the women's department in clothing stores. I legitimately feel incapable of shopping for clothes in real life, for fear that I'm going to get hounded by a TERF. The dysphoric brainworms in my head are already loud enough when I'm shopping for clothes, without the very real fear and threat of TERFs coming in the way.

💖 Trans joy is fucking MAGIC.

In spite of this, though? I have a supportive and loving family who have been there from the very start of all this, which I'm very privileged for. My beautiful cis lesbian partner, who has been nothing but accepting, loving and caring. I feel nothing but fully seen and accepted by her as a transfemme butch and she's helped me feel so at home in my new identity as a lesbian. She's an amazing person and a brilliant ally, I love her so fucking much. I've also got incredible queer friends that make me feel safe, seen, heard and loved. They've invited me into their hearts and homes and that's more than I could ever ask for, and every single day I bask in my gratitude that I have such amazing people in my life. My transition wouldn't be anything like it has been or is without them. Transition takes a village, community is vital.

There's a lot of love in my life. Sure, there's storms of hatred everywhere right now, and that's hard. But all these people in my life bring immense joy and nourishment to my life. Things like going to my city's pride this year, my partner and I were approached by another trans person who gave us this lovely crocheted heart in trans colors saying: "You two are adorable together. Take this, I've been giving them out" <3 . Or looking in the mirror when I have my tank top on and seeing my tits. Getting gendered correctly by the taxi driver, or just spending time with other trans queer people who get it! That magic, the bright, warm, golden glow of euphoria and trans joy is brighter than the fiercest hate any fascist can throw my way.