Living slower

I recently came across an Instagram Reel showing this girl doing all these daily tasks in a very frantic manner. Brushing her teeth with vigor. Cleaning the dishes at 1000mph. Running around the house rather than walking. Moving around with tensed up shoulders, as if bracing for impact 24/7. For each one of these examples, she immediately showed the regulated, softer and more relaxed example of each. That's when I realized: I do all these things and more, and that It directly links to my cPTSD informed nervous system.

We're living through multiple genocides, my rights as a trans person are dissappearing by the day, my life has been upended by academic ableism and disability from COVID, and to top it all off? The far right are everywhere. Hanging up England flags everywhere like nazis. Those reasons are as good as any to be so freaking tense. But it gets even worse when you combine those reasons with a life time of accumulated trauma too. Which is why I'm really beginning to realize how important it is to understand how to rest, replenish and let go. This is a recipe for burnout and ill health in a time where I can ill afford it.

Seeing this video made me rethink how I approach everything. I remember walking downstairs to make myself a tea to relax, I briskly walked with tension in my body. Noticing this, I loosened up and made a point of walking slowly to the kitchen. When I had my daily walk, I noticed: holy shit I walk fast, its almost like I'm trying to run away! I understand, I've gone through a lot and there's a lot of pent up energy going on... But sometimes, I wonder if its better to see if a slower and softer pace would work better to regulate myself. This time? I walked round the park at a much slower pace, without my music and just took in the sound, smells and light. I felt so much more present.

Another thing I noticed? That tension I hold in my body? A hell of a lot of it was in my stomach. I tense my stomach as if I'm bracing for impact by default. Its very hard for me to even notice I do it- its that default. But I've been working super hard at learning to just... Let it loosen. Its so so hard to do, sometimes I know I'm tensing it but I dont even know how to relax it. I'm slowly getting better at it but its going to take time.

For the last 7 years, my IBS has gotten progressively worse (alongside my general tension, foreshadowing???). Its recently gotten to a point where I'm more or less in a constant IBS episode. Its debilitating and sucks. No doctor can get to the bottom of it (hah)... But you know what? After I started loosening my stomach, my symptoms have dramatically improved. Is it gone? Absolutely not. But oh my god is it better than it has been!!! This is WILD to me.

It's also been making me rethink my phone usage more. In the morning now? I'm only opening up my phone to see message notifications. IF I do open up social media, I limit it to 10 minutes. After that? I go on my Steam Deck to play some Animal Crossing City Folk Deluxe for half an hour. Then I open my work email and start my day with a reasonably rested brain.

Bit by bit I'm noticing big changes in my wellbeing, even though things are still unbearably hard. Its funny, I feel in some respects some things are more painful. But I feel like thats also because I'm doing better at letting myself feel things. I'm not walking around so guarded and numbed to the world all the time anymore.