I'm SO overwhelmed: is it that damn phone?
posted on Jul 13, 2025
I've noticed something recently: I'm frequently overwhelmed. Worse yet? My capacity for hobbies that used to nourish and recharge me are so low that I cant really engage with any of them. And honestly? I'm starting to think it's that damn phone. I've starting to realise something: the internet used to be an escape for me. Now? I feel like its a weight thats dragging me down. A magnetic pull away from my hobbies, clarity and agency. I end most days completely exhausted and with no capacity to really think.
One disclaimer here though: there are other good reasons why this is the case. I've recently had to abandon my life's dream of getting into medicine. I was in training as a Physician Assistant, with the view of (in the long term) applying for medical school again in the future. My life has revolved around making these goals happen for the last 7 years. Unfortunately, after 3 years of constant ableism and lack of support at uni, I succumbed to COVID, ended up with EBV and very seriously ill. Over the course of 6 grueling weeks of my health spiraling out of control, worse day by day, I lost everything I had worked so hard for. This is a devastating life event that I'm still learning to adjust to, especially because my body and stamina still aren't quite the same. But I also know I've been through similarly horrific things while doing all that and I was still able to engage with all my hobbies.
So what's changed? I have SO much more time than I did before. I'm not living under the hammer of an ableist and exclusionary university threatening to blow apart everything I worked so hard for anymore. But the world has gotten so much worse. There's a devastating genocide waging in Gaza and Sudan, the war in the Congo... The fascist presidency in the US, kidnapping marginalized folk on a daily basis. I have many queer friends in southern US states that I'm worried sick about. Tech billionaires that own the platforms so many of us rely on are consolidating their power, firmly on the side with these genocidal vermin. I'm a trans person living in the UK where the govt regularly makes moves to remove our rights and limit our freedoms. And then? There's the enshitification of the internet. End stage capitalism infiltrating everything. AI this, machine learning that. Our data is constantly getting scraped without our consent, used to train AI models that are boiling our planet and stealing our water. And for what? You can't even browse now days without coming across a picture you're not even sure is AI generated or not. That's just perfect.
But is it really that damn phone...?
As all of these factors stack up, the dysregulation grows. So does the screen time. In search of something to pacify... I open up Instagram to play the slot machine that is Reels. Scroll. Scroll. Scroll. Ping! Dopamine. Glorious! Scroll. Scroll. Scroll. By now, 10 minutes has passed for what should have only been a couple minutes at most, and I don't even remember what the last Reel was about. Worse yet? I don't even feel any better. I actually feel worse. I feel like I just pummeled my brain with more information than I had bandwidth for, despite the fact that it also somehow had a numbing effect? But thats fine so long as I've given Meta my eyeballs, that attention is important for their bottom line.
I close Insta... I need to make lunch. I head to the kitchen and stick on a YouTube video. Must have something on in the background! Can't be alone in my own thoughts. Before I know it? I've watched 2 video essays while cooking and eating lunch, but can't exactly recall the details of either. I feel a little better now, but maybe its time for a walk. I head out, get my bluetooth earbuds, open up Spotify and use the DJ mix AI feature to give me the pleasure cube mix of non-offensive music perfectly curated to keep me within my comfort zone. Ah yes, the perfect mix of tracks that I've been listening to for the last 2 years, nothing new to scare me with. Must keep listening for as long as possible, data and attention is the new oil, after all! I get back from that... Peaceful? Walk, and start some work. I stick yet another video essay on in the background. Another ad! Got to extract the maximal amount of value from my attention real estate.
I end the day with a nice relaxing bath... With my phone. What do I do? Scroll. Scroll on Instagram, watch a few YouTube videos that honestly? I dont even know if I'm listening to anymore. I catch myself watching a video, finding my mind wondering, with even less will power to try and concentrate. At this point, its just white noise to pacify me. To help that feeling go away.
Before I go to bed, I check my screen time... 6 hours. Oof. I can honestly say I only got 2 hours tops of enjoyment out of those 6. The remaining 4? Time taken away from my cherished hobbies that regulate me: piano, Spanish/language learning, crochet, writing and gaming. But you know what? So long as the tech billionaires have suitably colonized my attention, that's all that matters right? They've struck gold! 4 hours of my undivided screen time to profit from ad revenue and data with. Better yet? They're securing my overwhelm. Perfectly disarming me, leaving me unable to fight back against the very system they benefit from: capitalism.
Did those 6 hours make me feel any better? Did they fuck. I felt so much worse, actually. I got to bed feeling overwhelmed, exhausted and barely able to watch my favourite shows to at least try and get myself semi regulated.
Well thats just perfect: not only have I not felt any better for giving away those 4 hours of my life. I feel dramatically worse, and even less able to deal with all the horrors of our dystopic world. Even less able to conjure up the energy to imagine a what a better future might look like, to organise with my party's members, to work on my hobbies to keep me grounded, nourished and ready to fight back...
So is it that damn phone? Yes and no. The emotional turbulence is a product of this horror show of fascistic, late stage neoliberal capitalism we're all living through right now... Lets be clear: its no sign of being "healthy and well adjusted" to feel fine in this climate, I'd argue quite the opposite. This distress is a natural byproduct of living through such wide scale injustice, especially as a marginalised person. But it's also being dramatically compounded by that damn phone. My phone is pulling me away from all the things in my life that give me nourishment to deal with said horror show.
So what now?
First off: I've banned myself from spending any significant time on Instagram in the morning. I've also stopped myself from using YouTube when I'm waking up. The only thing I'm allowed to do on my phone in the morning is chat to my friends or partner. My phone also has this screen time feature that allows me to ban certain sites at different hours... So I've banned all news websites in the morning. I do have the capacity to engage with the news, its just... Not in the morning. I have cPTSD. My body is already in a more or less constant state of tension and "danger mode", so mornings are horrific for me. I'm sluggish, at my most anxious and very triggered in the morning, the last thing I need is heavy content or information firehoses directed at my brain in that state. I need to start my days in a way that gently welcomes me in. And once I'm ready and more awake? Then I can look at the news, or watch YouTube.
Another thing? I've also made it so Instagram is blocked by a screen time app. It makes me wait 5 seconds before opening, which sometimes causes me to get bored and turn off my phone. Win! And when I do use it? It's 7 minutes before it locks me out again, to go through the same process. Its capped to this for 10 times in a day, which I hope to reduce to maybe 7 soon. This has me a lot more aware about how I'm using Insta and when. Alongside this, I'm also just making an effort to open it less, to instead engage with a hobby when the urge for dopamine comes up.
For YouTube? Honestly? My information fatigue and burnout is kinda taking care of that. I'm using it a lot less and any videos that do catch my fancy, I chuck onto one of my many "Watch Later" playlists. Then, at the end of the day when I have more time and less interruptions and reasons to multitask, I'll turn on my telly, and watch them on there instead.
Music is a little hard... I hate with the slop algorithm on Spotify has done to my music tastes. There was a time where I would discover new bands and music every month or so. But now? It's keeping me VERY firmly in my comfort zone, it honestly feels like everything I listen to sounds the same now days. Unfortunately, what I'm about to do with my music will make this worse: I'm trying to switch to using my iPod for music. The idea here is to make myself less reliant on my phone. To have a more intentional relationship with the things that I do with technology. So far? I'm loving it! Though I do need to modify my iPod with an SSD, bluetooth and a better battery.
But has any of this worked??
Honestly? Yes. I've been doing a mixture of these things for about a week now. And honestly? The frequency of overwhelm is definitely dropping. I know for a fact I'm finding it easier to engage in my hobbies, and I'm certainly finding it easier to write. At the end of the day, my brain isnt as full, I feel more able to take on more information easily. It feels like I can read again, though I do need to get back into practice with that!
But I also want to experiment more. In the interests of relying on my phone less, I'd like to get my old Sony NEX5n camera up and running again. Maybe get myself a compact 50mm pancake lens, which will make it more portable. Maybe then I can reignite my decade old hobby of photography!
Conclusion
All this is to say: yes, it is that damn phone! But it's also the genocides, spread of fascism, eroding of rights and the boiling planet. To have any hope of dealing with those things in a way that has us ready to fight back, to imagine a better future and to secure it, we need to do whatever we can to allow our minds and emotions the space they need to breathe. The unfortunate thing about the modern day internet is that: it's designed specifically to colonize every last bit of your attention, and every last minute of your day. Tech billionaires want you preoccupied, they want you numb, they want you overwhelmed. If you're numb and overwhelmed, then you're much less of a threat. But if you're out there, regulating yourself with your hobbies, building local (and remote!) communities and solidarity with one another? That's fucking dangerous for them, and they know it.
The focus of this post has been from a very individual perspective. So I really want to take the opportunity to emphasize here: grieve in community. Commiserate together! Find your comrades and find them quick, we're going to need each other over the next couple of years, we need more reasons to go outside and less reasons to stay inside, frozen and scrolling on our phones. No amount of "self improvement" or "self care" can substitute community care. However, I do say that knowing that its very hard to build these sorts of connections, especially as a disabled autistic trans girl. But I'm also a firm believer in how essential they are for our survival. Part of the difficulty of doing this is also a reflection of the neoliberal individualistic society that we live in, especially in the wake of the smartphone. We're out of practice with making friends, introducing our friends to each other, mixing our friend groups, reaching out, building and growing our connections with intention. That doesn't mean we cant, and I think we owe it to ourselves and each other to fight like hell for a community where we can heal and nourish each other.
Free Palestine, free the Congo, free Sudan.
Take care of yourselves and each other. Keep fighting.
Over and out xo
