Dear Dead Name

I'm you, from the future! You know those indie short films on YouTube you've been watching? You know: the ones about 2 lesbians falling in love. I know the feeling you're having: the yearning, longing for love, a dynamic and relationship presentation beyond your reach. It also reminds me of that inexplicable feeling you had with your ex, that relationship felt so lesbian/gay... Despite both of you being cishet!

Oh, and you know that feeling you get when you browse Mastodon- It's odd, isn't it? That deep kinship you feel with your (oddly) mostly trans followers? But it's so great that you can be such an avid ally, that you feel so damn strongly about their liberation. But I also know, something's holding you back from participating further.

Also, remember that "girl" SnapChat filter you tried? The way it rounded out your face a little more, gave you that floofy longer hair... Gosh, remember that golden glowy feeling that gave you? Remember, when you posted it on your local Discord server with that trans girl in it, she reacted to the selfie with the egg emote, and when you asked what it meant, she just reacted to your question with the egg emote? Good timessssss.

Sorry, I don't mean to poke fun. I know you're scared. I'm sorry you're living in a world that makes you feel so terrified that you can't even entertain the idea of it for now. It's a lot to take in, but: you're trans. It doesn't feel like you can cope with it, or that you're even sure. But I promise you, you're gonna meet a lot of really cool people, and you're gonna have a lot of experiences that will soften your landing into woman/enbyhood.

Bloo (great name choice, by the way!), you'll be OK. Right now, you're standing in the middle of dense fog. But there's blue skies and sunshine on the other side (at least for your gender...). You know that emotional numbness that follows you round? Well, once you start HRT and get the right dose (which sadly took a while!), you're gonna feel emotions like you did before you hit puberty. And Bloo... My god, when you start growing tits!!! The idea is scary and intimidating right now, but oh my god. Looking in the mirror and seeing your chest shape itself out like that? You're gonna experience intense euphoria.

When you start HRT, this warm mellowy glow will wash over you. Something just shifts and things just start to feel... Right? That sense of mellowness will gently envelop you, guiding you on what's to come. Each change is just a goldmine of radiant euphoria. Body smell changes? Incredible. The soft skin? Glorious. The fat redistribution? YES PLEASE!!! If there's one thing to remember about this journey- Bloo, it's that your transition's direction will be lead mostly by euphoria. There's a lot to discover.

Lastly though, I know you're terrified of how the world will treat you. And I'm sad to say: this will only get significantly worse. The world grows into a much more hateful place after the pandemic (ah yeah, there's this virus. I'll explain it another time). But, in the face of this, you also grow stronger, more connected and prepared than ever. You gain 2 incredible best friends and the most beautiful and kind girlfriend you could ask for, all forming your interdependent support network. These people stick by your side through thick and thin. Its scary, but y'all are looking out for each other and its beautiful. Also, coming out to mom goes fine, don't worry about it! I promise it'll be OK.

Anyway, all this is to say: you're trans. Deep down, you know this. I also know you're petrified. But I hope this shows you: you're so much more capable than you could ever know right now. In time you'll find out, and you'll be much better for it too. Yes, life gets far more difficult. But you know what else? It's so worth it. Just know there's a lot of love, euphoria and growth on the other side of this fog you're finding your way through. You'll get there.

Love,

Bloo